– ‘the musings of a wannabe star’
I have always been extreme when it comes to emotions. Be it love, anger, sadness or fear.
I overreact. I hyperventilate. I get extremely curious. When I open up to someone I pour out all my woes and worries to him or her. I analyze, ponder and worry too much. I’m predictable. I get easily provoked. Overly affectionate, may I add. I can give my one hundred percent to someone I’m dearly fond of.
And that’s when the trust breaks.
I never thought I was one for crying. Tears never spilled out that easily from my eyes. It had to be something earth shattering or nerve racking that would make me break down. But soon enough I was proved wrong.
I loved dearly. I’m still afraid to let go. I lie to everyone and to myself about things being okay. Nothing is okay. My best friends are tired and annoyed of suggesting the same thing to me over and over again. Forget it. Forget everything and everyone you associated with it. Let go. If someone affects you so much, the ideal solution is to keep yourself away from him . But do I pay heed to all of that? No.
Recently my friend’s boyfriend tried to convince me to distant myself from this individual. He could read my mind. My stubbornness. My weakness. My sadness. My inability to avoid people. My fear. He could very well see that I was stuck at the bottom of a deep hole, and was struggling to get out of it. Hearing him point out my flaws infuriated me. I am used to people expressing their views diplomatically. Not boldly or bluntly as he put it. I was angry but deep inside I felt so sick, and I feel so sick, that only a good bout of crying can help me deal with it.
I feel amused at myself for taking him so seriously. For taking life so seriously. For taking those memories so seriously.
I avoid reminiscing. That’s the only solution. I don’t want him to affect me anymore. There is no point in pondering, reflecting and remembering those good moments. They are gone. Gone.
Does it matter to the other individual concerned? The root cause of the turmoil?
Oh no it doesn’t. Or maybe it did at some point. Or maybe I just stretched the matter so much that it lost its significance. After all how much can a person apologise? I accepted all the apologies, they showed he cared.
It takes time. The whole forgetting process. Well at least for someone like me who cares a bit too much.
So extreme. I’m capable of feeling a variety of emotions all in a day.