It’s been a long time for various reasons.
Today I have decided to complete this post after having contemplated on finishing it two months ago.
Today I have decided to forget that I’m a student pursuing a gruelling post-graduate course that usually eats up my Sundays.
Today I am
I wrote my previous post sometime in December. I know that unlike the past two years, I did not bother to come up with my usual year-end ramble about how much 2014 meant to me, my experiences that year, etcetera, etcetera .
The reason for this exception isn’t anything very special – I’m still trying to hold onto the past year and the much-deserved warmth it infused in me. I refuse to accept that 2015 is another new start as every year has always been, or rather, has claimed to be.
The one thing I miss the most is the summer of 2014, especially our whirlwind trip to Paris and Switzerland. Out of the two destinations, Switzerland felt more like home to me; a second home that I had previously been unaware of, a home that had existed all this while, quietly, amidst snow-capped peaks and lush green meadows. This time we decided to deviate from the usual hotel accommodation, and chose to spend three days in a chalet owned by an old Swiss couple. Why did I fall in love with a locale and setting as humble as this? There are answers to this question, of course. I could owe it to the balcony overlooking the Alps, or to the contentment of letting words run in my diary whilst the mountains gave me company, to the wisps of smoke arising from my coffee one particularly cold morning, to the wooden flooring, to the joy of wearing winter clothes and boots after a winterless year, to the winding streets of Grindelwald that led to an old station which could transport you back in time, to the snowman we built, to being overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the rugged yet kind nature that greeted us everyday, to being a part of the quaint surroundings – oh the list is indeed endless.
Every minute spent in the country that wasn’t my own, counted, and more so because I knew what awaited me back home. I wanted to push away my anxiety and worry regarding academia, temporarily.
Though the holiday blues took a long time to fade, the year turned out to be a great one. What I have been left with ever since, is a dull craving to somehow experience it all once again, though dejavu will never be the same.
I have been asked to, or rather, been telling myself to stop myself from clamming my head with too many questions and expectations. I find myself wondering if I would have indeed done better, had I left this city to pursue my academics elsewhere. Would I be still loathing myself for being so dependant on my parents for everything? Would I still be that person to whom everything comes easily? A good university within the city, a fabulous vacation, good grades, a steady relationship with a good boy, good food, and good friends. I’m probably jinxing everything good in my life by flaunting it on social media but the fact is everything good doesn’t guarantee one hundred percent satisfaction.
I have gone on severals rants bout my dissatisfaction, and I have noticed that it’s one of those things that lasts temporarily, fades away, only to sneak into your routine sometime later. And folks like me express it through words whilst there are some who find other mediums of venting it out. Also, I can’t help but notice how stoic I sound.
As much as I would like to deny the fact that it was change that made the whole international experience so memorable and that it’s the lack of change I have been sensing all this while, I have to come to terms with it. On one hand, it scares the s*** out of me on the other hand I guess it’s the only thing that can guarantee some peace. My close friend told me that living on my own is a lot harder than I think. It will be really hard but I guess that’s what I need. Change comes with a price.
It’s turning out to be a long post, but who cares, I’m amazed at my train of thoughts. 2014 was a great year, because at some point it seemed like a year different than the rest.
It’s time I acknowledge this year and appreciate it for its worth.
I have two examinations due this week and I’m not free. Coming to terms with that isn’t so hard.